Friday, August 6, 2010

My Comedy

First off, this is not the blog I started last night. I just wasn't feeling that one. So I'm starting fresh with what I hope is my funniest blog to date. Recently I started "writing stand-up comedy." The reason for the quotations is that while I like writing the funny stuff I just don't think I have the balls to get up on stage and perform it. I can kareoke the shit out of a song b/c if you forget the words there is a safety net/screen. But in comedy there is only you. That is unless you decide to write your words for the world to misinterpret or rip off. I have had a lot of feedback saying that the thing people like most about my blog is that it sounds like they are actually talking to me. My voice in people's head (must use my powers for good). So, hopefully most people will be able to read my next bit as the pure comedic gold that it is. I feel like I should maybe give a preemtive apology to some people but I also feel that in comedy apologies are a sign of weakness. So if what you are about to read offends you so badly that you need me to personally apologize to you, then...go f#$% yourself. Just try to find another blog this good. :) Oh, and one last note, I am going to really try and use commas and ellipses to show where the pauses and deliveries are so I guess use that to the best of your abilities. Enjoy!!!

So it's been summer time now for a few hot miserable months, and of course that means that a lot of people have been dropping their kids off at the pool in what I can only hope is a sign of trying to thin out the herd. Why else would parents so blatanley ignore the "No Lifegaurd on Duty, Children 16 and under need to be supervised by an adult!" Personally I think that the parents do their version of a "drive-by." By which I mean they load up the mini van or SUV with the kids and all their water toys and slowly creep by the neighborhood pool looking to see if there is anyone there who possibly fits the description of 'adult' and upon spotting said "adult", goes, "hey that'll do. mama's got better things to do!"
Let me go ahead and tell you now that, if I'm that adult you saw and your child starts to go under....well, just like you chose to ignore the no lifegaurd on duty sign, I chose to ignore the "No alcohol permitted" sign. I might try to dial 911 if I can find my phone and if it seems no one else is calling for help, but really I'd say your best bet is to not rely on me for emergencies involving your annoying ass child.
But, drowning kids are not the only fun things you get to see at a pool. There are also the fucking whack jobs who think it's totally normal and acceptable behavior to bring their fucking PedEgg to the pool and just go to town on their monster feet (oh excuse me for just vomiting). And to be honest, I'm usually not one for sitting out in the hot ass sun working on my melanoma, so when I do get to witness my favorite train wreck, which is a group of middle school aged kids doing all kinds of just dumbassery things that prevent me from getting into the pool to even cool off, I surprisingly consider it a personal treat. My favorite pool side moments are those when you are just minding your own GD business, finishing your 4th or 5th cocktail, talking about how great you were in your youth (or so I'm told by my really really old friends), when all of a sudden out of all the background squeals you've been hearing one suddenly stands out on its own. "WHAT!? NO! OH JOEY! DON'T THROW ME IN THE POOL! OH, STOP. AH!". Translation. "OHMYGODOHMYGOD OMG! A BOY IS FLIRTING WITH ME AND TOUCHING ME! I NEED TO LET THE WORLD KNOW THIS NOW BY SQUEALING MY MOST LOUDEST SQUEAL SO THAT NONE COULD POSSIBLY IGNORE IT OR ENJOY THEIR TIME!!!!" Well, oh, my, god. We get it big girl, you need love to. Because it's the big girls who make the ruckus at the pool. The skinny girls are too busy trying to not look hungry to worry about some acne freak accidentally shoving them into a pool.
But, while the summer belongs to the skinny freaks, the opposite holds true for the winter. Winter is the time for the Big Girls to shine! With all that natural insulation you can get away with wearing a little less and looking way cuter rather than being bundled up under layers and layers of warmth. Being from the Midwest I have delt with a cold ass winter or two. The stupidest things I always see are not the jackass in the sports car trying to drive on icy ass roads. It's not the dumbass parents who send their dumbass kids to school in shorts with 5 inches of snow on the ground. No no. It's the people who can decide for themselves, that on a ten degree night, with snow and ice covering the ground, and winds blowing 30mph, that wearing open toed heels paired with a mini skirt and a short sleeved tight fitting top was the appropriate choice. And guys, don't think that you are exempt either. Wearing flip-flops, cargo shorts, and a T-shirt year round because you "run hot" might be the gayest thing a stright man has ever tried to pull off. One look at these idiots and I know to stay away. I'm pretty sure stupid is contagious. Just look at those GD Jersey Shore assholes. They are highly infected and contagious with stupid.
But, I digress from my point, which is that, Big Girls and Big Guys, this is your moment. This is your time. Fight the urge to stay in and hibernate because this is truly your time to shine! There are a lot of really, reallyreally, stupid people out there who are relying on you as a heat source. And, I truly believe that this is also the reason that I am still single to this very day. While I don't fall into the "complete dumbass" category I fail to meet the requirements to be a proper heat souce!

Let me have it. I want so many comments on this one. Now is the time to share this little jem of a blog with others if you haven't already. And might I add that I think Daniel Tosh is one of the funniest comedians today. Lots of love, and until next time....

1 comment:

Randy Heise said...

HA HA HA, see....one of the reason's I'm friends with your family is how we can always agree on many things like our views of the world. Freaking hilarious. Very visual and I pictured this blog like I was sitting next to you at the pool and taking in the panarama of crazy ruh-tardness. I think it's time you step up and write a book. Your character can be like you and their thoughts on the world would be golden. Top Seller!! Tosh is awesome. I saw his show at a friends house a couple of weeks ago and could NOT stop guffawing. So hear's a question.....if you can blog like this.....why don't you get up there on a stage? Seriously.....amateur hour at the comedy shop....I think with your humor and delivery (having seen your act a bar or two sitting at the table) I think you could pull it off. Totally. Peace out and keep the blogs coming.