Sorry to keep you all waiting so long this time. Oh wait, it looks like someone might just be back on her game. I say this knowing full well that it may be a week or two before I blog again, so I'm going to be cocky while I can. So....let me see, where to begin. Well, I ordered some business cards tonight! I feel so grown up! I seriously cannot wait to start passing them out!
Here's another fun thing, unless you are me, I think I have insomnia. It's basically been going on for the majority of the summer now. I tried to google 'cures' for it, and if I am to believe what I read then I am apparently super depressed. Well, like I said in a previous blog, there have been some lows, sure. But, there have been a lot of really good things that have happened this summer too. For instance, I have finally gotten on the path of getting my shit together. Most people have a 5 year plan, I have a "this year plan". And after this year I will plan for the next one and so on until I'm up to a 5 year plan. Which I plan on attaining in at least the next 2-3 years. :) (everyone caught the joke there yes?) Ok, so does anyone else see the absudity in that? I know for a fact that a lot of people have 5 year plans and stick to it and do wonderful things with it. But for realsies, who the hell came up with that? My life does not follow a plan, even though it could probably use one more often than not. There are just too many things going on all the time. Last week I had a friend in town/country from Switzerland, it has been 6 years since last time he was here. Last time he was here I apparently wanted to be a flight attendant. Hell, sometimes I still want that except for the fact that it is becoming a less and less fun job, at least according to the NPR story I listened to today and who doesn't love and trust NPR. Let me list a brief-ish list of other jobs I've wanted to be/have in the last 6 years. Ahem....:Bar owner, restaurant manager, princess, photograher, lead singer in a band, assassin for hire (blame that one on Hollywood, it just looks so freaking badass!), book reviewer, actress, professional artist, teacher, house painter, trophey wife....and the list goes on. And ok, except for a few that I obviously can't be(princess, damn my non royal blood!), that is probably a fairly accurate list of jobs that I have considered over the last 6 years. Someone ask me again why I don't have a 5 year plan. I'll stick to my one at a time plan. Oh, and did I mention what classes I'm taking this semester? Excel 2007, whatevs...AND, Poker! Did you miss that Facebook status! Whoo! And to answer the question I've already been asked many times, Yes, apparently you can get at least one hour of college credit for that! Ta-freaking-Da! I only need two more for my Associtates. Only took 30 years. Another reason why "5 year" plans are dumb. At least if you are me.
And so, I think I shall wrap things up on that note. I'm tired. Not that I'm actually going to get any sleep. I'm always tired and never fall alseep. So now, not only am I asking for feedback on my blog, (super big thanks to those of you that have!!! and I tried to leave a comment on my own blog and realized how big a pain in the ass it is. No one likes jumping through that many damn hoops. Which is why Facebook is where it's at. Go private if you want and message me your comment. or email me personally at camillesadler21@hotmail.com. whatevs, i'm not picky.) but also feedback on how to destroy insomnia. Destroy it!! Seriously, if I don't get some real sleep soon, I might start slapping high school kids and I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. Even if it should be. Feedback Please!

Let's have a Quickie!!

Ok, I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog as much as I should be lately, let me try and explain. I feel that to blog is to put yourself out there for the world (of the 97 views I've had since I started this thing 2 years ago, ouch) to see. I have no idea who reads my blog since I have very few people leave comments. Recently, I have ran into two people that I haven't seen in a long time who told me how much they love my blog. Shout out to Kelsey W. and Kristen E.!! People, please please please find some way to leave some feedback for me. Leave it on Facebook if you have to. Even if it's just, "I read your blog and it was awful!" At least then I'll know. :)
So, the last few months, or ever since I broke up Matt, have been really personal and full of a lot of highs and lows. I don't always know how to write about that sort of thing, being vulnerable isn't really my style. So why not just stick to the funny you ask, well if you read my last blog you might have noticed that my comedy style is a little mean spirited. I wouldn't want to alienate too many of my loyal fans. :) Basically, what I'm saying is that I've delt with some personal stuff this summer, and I am ready to continue on with my life and move forward come hell or high water! Do you know what would be really helpful though? FEEDBACK! I'm begging you. Tell me what you like about my blog other then it breaks up your work day. Which I can totally understand. And believe me I start work at a highschool next week so I'm sure I'll have all kinds of dumbass kid stories coming for you soon. But, let me know what you like and/or don't like. Oh, also if you have a minute you should check out my Etsy page at www.thepatternpub.etsy.com. Shameless self promoting is not above me.
That's about all I have for tonight, I will work on getting back to the funny as soon as possible. Till then, feedback, feedback, feedback!
And a big thank you for reading this in the first place!

My Comedy

First off, this is not the blog I started last night. I just wasn't feeling that one. So I'm starting fresh with what I hope is my funniest blog to date. Recently I started "writing stand-up comedy." The reason for the quotations is that while I like writing the funny stuff I just don't think I have the balls to get up on stage and perform it. I can kareoke the shit out of a song b/c if you forget the words there is a safety net/screen. But in comedy there is only you. That is unless you decide to write your words for the world to misinterpret or rip off. I have had a lot of feedback saying that the thing people like most about my blog is that it sounds like they are actually talking to me. My voice in people's head (must use my powers for good). So, hopefully most people will be able to read my next bit as the pure comedic gold that it is. I feel like I should maybe give a preemtive apology to some people but I also feel that in comedy apologies are a sign of weakness. So if what you are about to read offends you so badly that you need me to personally apologize to you, then...go f#$% yourself. Just try to find another blog this good. :) Oh, and one last note, I am going to really try and use commas and ellipses to show where the pauses and deliveries are so I guess use that to the best of your abilities. Enjoy!!!

So it's been summer time now for a few hot miserable months, and of course that means that a lot of people have been dropping their kids off at the pool in what I can only hope is a sign of trying to thin out the herd. Why else would parents so blatanley ignore the "No Lifegaurd on Duty, Children 16 and under need to be supervised by an adult!" Personally I think that the parents do their version of a "drive-by." By which I mean they load up the mini van or SUV with the kids and all their water toys and slowly creep by the neighborhood pool looking to see if there is anyone there who possibly fits the description of 'adult' and upon spotting said "adult", goes, "hey that'll do. mama's got better things to do!"
Let me go ahead and tell you now that, if I'm that adult you saw and your child starts to go under....well, just like you chose to ignore the no lifegaurd on duty sign, I chose to ignore the "No alcohol permitted" sign. I might try to dial 911 if I can find my phone and if it seems no one else is calling for help, but really I'd say your best bet is to not rely on me for emergencies involving your annoying ass child.
But, drowning kids are not the only fun things you get to see at a pool. There are also the fucking whack jobs who think it's totally normal and acceptable behavior to bring their fucking PedEgg to the pool and just go to town on their monster feet (oh excuse me for just vomiting). And to be honest, I'm usually not one for sitting out in the hot ass sun working on my melanoma, so when I do get to witness my favorite train wreck, which is a group of middle school aged kids doing all kinds of just dumbassery things that prevent me from getting into the pool to even cool off, I surprisingly consider it a personal treat. My favorite pool side moments are those when you are just minding your own GD business, finishing your 4th or 5th cocktail, talking about how great you were in your youth (or so I'm told by my really really old friends), when all of a sudden out of all the background squeals you've been hearing one suddenly stands out on its own. "WHAT!? NO! OH JOEY! DON'T THROW ME IN THE POOL! OH, STOP. AH!". Translation. "OHMYGODOHMYGOD OMG! A BOY IS FLIRTING WITH ME AND TOUCHING ME! I NEED TO LET THE WORLD KNOW THIS NOW BY SQUEALING MY MOST LOUDEST SQUEAL SO THAT NONE COULD POSSIBLY IGNORE IT OR ENJOY THEIR TIME!!!!" Well, oh, my, god. We get it big girl, you need love to. Because it's the big girls who make the ruckus at the pool. The skinny girls are too busy trying to not look hungry to worry about some acne freak accidentally shoving them into a pool.
But, while the summer belongs to the skinny freaks, the opposite holds true for the winter. Winter is the time for the Big Girls to shine! With all that natural insulation you can get away with wearing a little less and looking way cuter rather than being bundled up under layers and layers of warmth. Being from the Midwest I have delt with a cold ass winter or two. The stupidest things I always see are not the jackass in the sports car trying to drive on icy ass roads. It's not the dumbass parents who send their dumbass kids to school in shorts with 5 inches of snow on the ground. No no. It's the people who can decide for themselves, that on a ten degree night, with snow and ice covering the ground, and winds blowing 30mph, that wearing open toed heels paired with a mini skirt and a short sleeved tight fitting top was the appropriate choice. And guys, don't think that you are exempt either. Wearing flip-flops, cargo shorts, and a T-shirt year round because you "run hot" might be the gayest thing a stright man has ever tried to pull off. One look at these idiots and I know to stay away. I'm pretty sure stupid is contagious. Just look at those GD Jersey Shore assholes. They are highly infected and contagious with stupid.
But, I digress from my point, which is that, Big Girls and Big Guys, this is your moment. This is your time. Fight the urge to stay in and hibernate because this is truly your time to shine! There are a lot of really, reallyreally, stupid people out there who are relying on you as a heat source. And, I truly believe that this is also the reason that I am still single to this very day. While I don't fall into the "complete dumbass" category I fail to meet the requirements to be a proper heat souce!

Let me have it. I want so many comments on this one. Now is the time to share this little jem of a blog with others if you haven't already. And might I add that I think Daniel Tosh is one of the funniest comedians today. Lots of love, and until next time....